As I start a new year, I’m wrestling with what does God want me to do, to learn, to be in this year.  The message I’m getting is to accept His audacious love for me. That message is appearing from multiple places, persons, perspectives.

That jars me.

Audacious: intrepidly daring, recklessly bold, marked by originality and verve

I’m 41. I’ve loved God practically my whole life. I’ve strived to live a life that reflects Him. I’m glaringly aware of my many weak spots. The many places I need to change.

So the thought I’m supposed to sink into His audacious love and really believe that there is nothing I can do to earn it? That terrifies this people pleaser.

I live under the glaring light of self-criticism. The light that I can do more, should do more, must do more. And when I’m not, I don’t give myself a break. And yet love says be. Rest. Embrace Me.

So it will require bravery to dive deep, to peel back the layers and embrace the truth. I know it’s true, but I struggle to fully believe it.

So this year, I don’t have a new word. Instead, this feels like the culmination of a decade’s worth of words. One that dares me to go deeper. I’m afraid I’ll fail. But I’m also afraid of what I won’t experience if I don’t try to truly understand the heights, depths, breadths, and realness of His love for me. 

So here’s me taking a deep breath. Opening my journal. Lining up my books. And daring to ask, “Okay, God, show me what I’m missing.”

That is a scary prayer. We’ll see what kind of adventure it sets me on.

Here are a couple of the books I’m reading as I start this journey: